Aliens do it up the nose: HARD Evidence

In the decades I've been casually following the incredible body of alien theory (starting back when it seemed the only books on the subject were Communion by Whitley Streiber and Chariots of the Gods), and shuffling it in with my own shamanic experience and that of writers like Graham Hancock, Patrick Harpur, Carlos Castaneda and Terence McKenna, I've gradually come to accept the probability that at least some of this stuff is true. That is to say, I've accepted it up to the point it's safe for  my psyche to do so. To imagine a FULL disclosure on a national presidential announcement style scale is to visualize such a massive sea change in the course of human history and knowledge as to have a panic attack. Much easier to merely 'imagine' it, to 'what if' it. Behold the face of the gorgon via the mirror of myth (it's what it's there for!)

Yet Aliens can't just 'half' visit Earth (well actually they can but that's a post for another 'time') Once this truth is accepted, all the hokey Sagan posturing and "are we alone?" pontificating seems only a more educated version of Middle Age religious hysteria. Any scientist not terrified of being tried for the modern equivalent of heresy (i.e. ridiculed and denied tenure) would probably agree with Ufologists were they presented with the mountains of data and evidence that all fits together much better than the angry  dismissals, belittlings, denials and cover-ups of the scientific and military community; if you approach it with a clear objective mind, the truth is right there... inside the arms and noses of abductees.

I understand the value in keeping this stuff under at least some shadow of a doubt, as it helps control a very panicky, armed citizenry who "have enough problems" to worry about. One of our tax dollar services is that the government provides a kind of 'flat earth' cover-up, a "Go back to sleep, grandpa! Humans are still A-Number One!" lullaby for the riot-ready herd. I've previously compared the "are they really here or not?" debate as akin to the production code of Hollywood in the 1940s-50s, giving people both answers to the 'did they have sex after that fade-out?" at the same time, so the children and moralists can believe they didn't (have sex) and the hep cats can know they did, but ideally and actually - neither side are 'sure' one way or the other, and that's good. It's what makes it interesting. We need to want to know things we don't need to know. It's up to parents when we're young and governments when we're old to make sure we don't find out too much too soon. We'll get there eventually, but to have it all at our fingertips too soon crushes our souls.

It's basic psychology that once you give people a straight answer, they just ask ten more questions... until all mystery and excitement is drained from their lives. You do them a favor when you hide stuff, like hiding the polar bear's meat in hard to find places at the zoo, to give him something to do. Isn't the root of our love of mysteries seated in our curiosity about our own origins, why as little children we always wonder why we have our father's eyes, for example if we came 'from' our mother. Moms and dads evade, but the clues are there; the game is afoot!

 If you want proof the people would panic at full disclosure, consider the reaction to Orson Welles' War of the Worlds broadcast in 1938. You can also see how the public aren't ready for disclosure by the way they expect the government and the law to supply 'answers' and 'solutions' to alien visitations. If you expect the government to prevent hurricanes, for example, the only thing they can do is order you to evacuate and/or board up your windows. If you demand they do something about the UFO probe hovering over your town, the best they can do is tell you it's a mirage, or a weather balloon, and to return to your homes. If you are smart enough to know it's no weather balloon, you are smart enough to know the cops can't do much about it, so why call them?

Instead you might examine the way you lean on 'the big Other' of government to protect you, the way a child would its parent at a scary carnival. Naturally the parent's job--if you're too scared to enjoy yourself--is to tell you the monsters in the spookhouse aren't real. But if you're not too scared (and they're good parents who want you to have a good time) they're not going to spoil the mood by pointing out the monsters are just masks and puppets. Better you don't bring your parents along at all and pretend (i.e. know) to be scared for your little brother, and have a great spine-tingling freak out together. Why the need to announce to everyone at the carnival that the spookshow isn't real? Why not be the only one on your block who knows the true score, and just keeps it to yourself?  Don't run around like Chicken Little, or run into the movie show shouting: "don't believe them! They are just actors!" Meditate, and keep reading all the great books on the subject. The truth is never farther than your own brain.

Disinformation runs rampant, but I think the people who are controlling all this information are doing a bang-up job at leaking it all out slowly enough and with enough of an air of myth about it that by the time 'the tipping point' comes we wont need to panic, and suddenly instead of UFO nuts being picked on, those who don't believe will be made out to seem like repressed weirdos of the "world is flat" variety.

By case in point, there's a documentary right on Netflix streaming, amateurishly done almost by intention, that collects 'the best evidence' of all the UFO material, including Bob Lazar's famous interviews, analysis and presentation of alleged Roswell crash material and something I didn't know of at all before, the work of surgeon Roger Leir, a doctor who has removed 11 implants from abductees and has had enough analysis done on them to know the material they're made of is distinctly extraterrestrial, and what's more, in the areas of the body where they've been found there is no evidence of any kind of infection, antibody resistance, scarring, or anything to indicate a human stuck those things in there (such as inside the jaw near the bone, etc.) they also emit low frequency tracking waves - so the aliens can, presumably, track our migratory routes the way we do animals in the wild.

If you don' have Netflix streaming (the documentary is called CLOSE ENCOUNTERS: PROOF OF ALIEN CONTACT) you can read all about Leir's findings and qualifications on the web, including UFO Digest:

Normally there is an inflammation response to any foreign object in the body. This results from white blood cell activity in the area, attempting to rid the body of what it considers garbage that doesn't belong there. If the object is something soft, like a sliver, the body is able to disintegrate it and take it away one piece at a time. If the body can't remove the foreign object, it does the next best thing. Thousands of cells join together in a process called differentiation, changing form and surrounding the object to wall it off and separate it from the rest of the body. Any type of foreign object placed in the body -- whether by accident, such as a splinter, or something surgically inserted by a doctor -- will show this type of inflammation. So it was extremely strange that the pathology reports on these objects showed no inflammatory cells at all.

Another strange thing was also discovered. In the tissue around each implant, there were numerous nerve endings that didn't belong there. None of the investigators could say why these nerve endings were there, but it suggests the possibility that the implants act as some kind of monitoring device through attachment to the nervous system. (...)

When Dr. Leir received the three different scrapings of the membrane coatings from Derrel Sims, he sent them out to three separate pathologists. When the reports came back, it turned out that the main ingredient in this very tough membrane was something simply made from blood. In this bloody mass were some brown granules. The pathologists did an iron stain test and found that these brown granules were made of oxygen-carrying pigment from human red blood cells. Besides this, they also found a material called keratin, which comprises the outer layers of human skin, hair and fingernails.

Dr. Leir pointed out that if medical science could figure out how to duplicate this membrane, we would solve one of the biggest problems in medicine, that of transplant rejection. The membrane around the objects was apparently composed of material from the patients' own bodies BEFORE the objects were inserted. If we knew how to do this, we could put almost anything into the human body and have absolutely no rejection.

Leir and Sims illustrated the structure of one of the implants taken from the woman's toe. When first removed, it was flat and triangular. When the outer membrane was removed, inside were two separate pieces of shiny black metal, tightly joined together in the shape of a "T". Apparently only the membrane itself held these two metal pieces in alignment.

(UFO Digest 8/10)

Say what you will about that documentary, I found it very refreshing in its lack of skepticism. If you read the above and find yourself getting angry at how we're all getting taken for a ride by a quack doctor and his attention-seeking gambits, then maybe you're just not ready to 'let this in.' That's fine. That's why I like that I had to 'look' for this evidence in a badly reviewed, left-of-the-dial documentary (two stars based on Netflix viewer ratings!) rather than seeing it plastered on the front page of the Times where it would stir only a national panic that could only be quelled by the FBI pressuring Leir to declare it was a fake, even though the hep cats would know it wasn't.

And if it's not true, so what? Why let it make you mad that some people believe it? It doesn't directly affect the events of your day, so it needn't effect your life one way or another, any more than a fly should be expected to worry about your taxes. Your job and family aren't in jeopardy by accepting the fact--pretty unshakable if you have an open mind--that 'they're here.' So what's the big deal? Why is science unwilling to even accept mountains of eyewitness testimony as the basis for even a workable hypothesis? Shall I tell you? Or do you know by now that once you open that door you can never close it, that admitting the truth will not provide us with answers so much as an infinite number of terrifying realities. Do we really want to learn that we're not on the top of the food chain after all? Do we want to know what really happens to those mutilated cattle, and the missing children?

There's so many documentaries on UFOs out there that are either a) conservative, no-risk science with flimsy rationalizations, b) full of obvious hoaxes almost to discredit the entire idea, and c) stuck at the "But what if...." stage. The CLOSE ENCOUNTERS documentary goes way past all that to become its own one-doc disclosure proclamation: "well... so they're definitely real, science now has its hard evidence, so what now?" I like that, it takes guts, and the shoddy construction of the film helps it go down with just enough dubious fringes--just enough BLAIR WITCH-iness-- that you can still fall asleep at night.

Gulf Breeze  - ceiling light, jellyfish, or UFO- still cool

I also like that it looks beyond the hang-up a lot of UFO researchers have about "disclosure," as if disclosure is the be-all and end-all, that once it happens all their worries will be over because they'll know for sure they were right, which is understandable if you're devoted to the study and have been doing all this good work for so long while idiots around you jeer and scientists wont let you in their dorky clubs, or that you're jonesing for some mainstream recognition, to become the Newton or Einstein of your day, but if you're not, why do you care so much what the government says? Even when they disclose you know they'll be lying.

Validation from Big Brother is just the curtain parting on an even bigger curtain. It's like THE WIZARD OF OZ suddenly reversed, with the gentle old man Frank Morgan as the mask in front--the sneering scientist declaring UFOs a lot of rot--and the crazy green face--terrifying in its size and scope like you can't imagine, waiting behind the curtain, and behind that, still another curtain to be pulled, maybe scarier, maybe stranger. Don't blame the shadowy sects who work so hard keeping that curtain in place to spare you the shock and awesome horror. They're just the macro representation of your own consciousness and its repressive mechanisms pulling curtains on childhood traumas.

And anyway, even if it's not true, you can pretend you're pretending it's true for the scare effect, like THE BLAIR WITCH and PARANORMAL ACTIVITY (above, see also my Acidemic review).

It might be interesting though, to hear posts from people still wrestling with whether or not aliens are on our planet, coming and going in ways our science can't comprehend any more than a dog can comprehend nuclear physics. And in our sly will-to-stay-sane-y way, we're playing right into their hands. At any rate, they like things as they are -- obviously. They don't want to land on the White House lawn like scared skeptics demand any more than nature documentary teams want to intervene in the matters of the the African Serengeti. Imagine a pride of lions reasoning that they're the highest life form in the universe, because if those humans at the edge of the preserve really existed, why don't they come forward and challenge the dominant male of the pride? Obviously as they have no fangs and claws--they're not real... hairless white apes, whoever heard of such a thing!

Arizona lights, 1997

Or, imagine a jeep of nature conservationists spotting lions attacking a gazelle and racing to stop it. "That gazelle had a family, goddamnit!" Since we don't do that, the gazelles think we're evil. "How can God the protector of our Eden actually exist if he lets this slaughter of our herd go on?"

Or now take the metaphor further, the conservationists decide to tag the ears of some gazelles so they can monitor the population, and to check their blood and see what parasites they're carrying, etc.. So they grab a gazelle, take a blood sample, tag its ear with a plastic tag, and release it back into the wild. Maybe while examining him they notice he has ringworm, so they give him a shot for it. Then they release him into the wild and he gambols away as if nothing happened. The gazelle's brain isn't really hardwired to accept this strange event, but somehow this gazelle, even without a proper memory as such, feels that something weird happened to him, something not of his usual world.

His friends don't believe it; that plastic thing on his ear is probably a leaf and will fall off in time. They analyze the plastic tag in their gazelle labs (they nibble at it and do a taste test) and since it doesn't compare to any leaves they know of, and they can't eat it, they dismiss the tag as a hoax and change the subject.

Even more complex agendas persist: some humans invade the preserve and kill gazelles for sport, or to take their horns or meat, sometimes under the guise of being conservationists so they don't get arrested by the game warden. There's not much gazelles can do about it, so they forget it. In dreams they remember the white men with the tags and needles as a lion, a lion with thin sharp venomous stinger claws, but only in dreams, cover memories, ways to try and fit the strange events of their lives into their normal existence. If the abducted gazelle demands the dominant buck do something about it, the only avenue said buck has, therefore, is to assure the herd this gazelle was only dreaming... so as not to start a needless panic or stampede.

This conversation never happened. Do you deny it? Don't worry, aliens can't stand the cold germs that God, in his infinite wisdom, spread upon the earth, and every once in awhile a fast lion takes a human hunter down. They can be stopped. Oh yes. But first they have to be believed, and not in a half-assed 'oh yeah, military knows all about 'em' way, but in a "holy freakin' we're barely a pawn in this cosmic game and we're fin to get our asses kicked off the board any day now" way, and who wants to deal with that, except artists and crazy people? For they alone have always felt thus. Ask not for whom the flu germs toll, they toll for thee, so why not stay in bed and just dream it all away?

Uncle Sam shall thy pillow fluff.

I Blur the Line

One of the mission statements of this blog is to combine speculation with suspicion, parapsychology and para-science with outsider shamanistic intuition. Ideas like life after death, aliens, ghosts, inter-dimensional wormholes, are so out there that we can't really grasp them except through art, speculative fiction, etc. This is how the government disseminates UFO information to the public: shrouded in enigma and contradictory testimony, like what the 'code' of old Hollywood did when addressing the question of 'did they or didn't they?' in the fadeout between the night's kiss and the next morning's breakfast. The prudes and kids thought they didn't, the experienced and lecherous knew they did - both answers were right via the code. For the alien question, the MAJ-12 strategy is to make sure most of the important details are available, for those of us drawn to the subject, to familiarize ourself as part of a gradual public awareness. The analogy might be made to sex talk in elementary school  - some kid might know what goes on, but he might be lying. We hope he is and the space created in that hope allows for the slow familiarization, so by the time we know for a fact what sex is, in say, 7th grade, we're not as horrified as we were in, say, 3rd.

But thought through to its end game, the idea of military complex-spread disinformation is so tragically clever that it becomes a kind of structuralist super virus, one that multiplies within itself and spreads through human thinking and reason until the very foundations of truth vs. illusion, fiction vs. reality, and all other dualities crackle and dissolve.

There's no need to ask yourself if 'disinformation' as a tool exists, since it's so ingeniously simple to execute that a child could do it and often does without even knowing it. It's easy and fun and no government would be stupid enough not to employ it. The only thing is, a child doing it has a wolf-crier's trouble being believed if he reverses Occam's Razor and replaces a simple truth with a complex lie. An organization devoted to propaganda within the military industrial complex on the could easily mask a very simple and disturbing truth with an elaborate tapestry of fictions we'd rather believe, hence the obvious fact (aliens exist) is prevented from overwhelming our sheltered reality since it's bathed in flaky unreliable haziness.

If the men who circumscribe the parameters of our reality do this long enough, however, reality itself split into an acid trip of blurred and shattered boundaries between realms of existence.

Central to the idea of 'disinformation' - and what makes it compelling - is that it actually does make inseparable the elements of truth with pure fantastical speculation. We forget which is which. If we ever knew for sure, as in if someone came along who could tip the balance and make the truth undeniable, they would have to kill that person. Or to paraphrase Hamlet, to be or not to be is the question only if you have not yet understood the answer which is that we are always both actions at the same time, which again brings us back to the concept of myth, like a ring around a goddamned Rosie.

MYTH AND RELIGION are just Elementary School Kids pretending they know what sex is

Scientists each have their own ethical code, but when it comes to, say, experimenting on the living brains of chimpanzees, all may not be of accord. Some may close their sense of compassion to the chimp completely off, refuse to grant it the courtesy of human emotion - see it merely as an animal and their work as too important to stop the torture. Another scientist may feel a connection and attempt to ease the chimp's suffering, teach it some rudimentary sign language, show it some TV. If all the chimps were then returned to the wild, in what sense would the 'altered' chimps be able to explain their abduction and tests at the hands of the humans in white masks and gloves, to their fellow apes? The humans would be angels or devils depending on which human scientist was in charge of them.

Some of the skeptic chimps might argue that since the fur of the 'abductee' contains no bite marks or claw marks where the humans opened his flesh then there is no 'evidence' of any operation. A stitched-up scar for example might be regarded as a row of insect bites or dismissed as an anomaly.

Reasons why the chimp was abducted would be so far outside their own realm of chimp thinking that the only way they could perhaps be understood was through a tribal song, a ballad about white tall ghost chimp gods that plucked apes from trees and brought them up to the sky to a giant termite mound, where they taught them language and astronomy; other chimps talk of giant sky god devils who opened the chimp's heads with glowing termite sticks and ate their brains, replacing them with pieces of jungle fruit. Gradually over the years, as the stories accrue, the myth of the sky god angels and devils would twist and include agendas of different chimp kings: 'The hairless white gods told us that Magador must be the one true chimp king!' A few generations later: "Magador was a hairless white chimp God!"

A few generations after that, anyone who claims Magador was just a chimp and not a sky god, is burned at the stake.

Humans believe in a fixed consensual reality, even though mystics and quantum physics proves there is no such thing; yet it's a truth just too shattering to fully accept since to follow the reasoning to the end leads you back around to the beginning and the realization that all truth is fiction.

But consider these different states that humans sometimes find themselves in-- and which we believe are normal at the time-- but that might be very different from 'consensual' reality.  I list them below in order of what I believe is their level of intense weirdness:

'Reality' (consensual) - 3-dimensional, anchored in space and time

Dreams - non-dimensional (4th), outside space and time

Sleep Paralysis - 2nd dimension w/ 4th dimensional cracks (here is the level where time and space begin to melt off)

Fever - Delirium - accidental access to 4th dimension caused by neural overheating

Trance (via meditation) -  same as above but intentional
 
Psychedelic / shamanistic vision - full on immersion into 4th-9th dimensions

Nirvana  - All dimensions accessed / transcended, including space-time; consciousness untangled and returned to AUM consciousness

Near-Death Experience / Death - 9th dimensional access, no return except via new opening through to lower dimensions. (Your body / tunnel through to space/time has closed behind you)

Now when we think of aliens coming to earth, or being here all the while, we only really think of the first level, the 3-D consensual reality. But what about the rest of the levels? Aliens might well consider, say, the third eye psychedelic inter-dimensional state, the ones only a few humans sometimes reach, to be much more 'real' and the place they do their visiting and invasion from. (Hence they're most often seen by schizophrenics, trippers and people with high fevers). Maybe these aliens could/can see and exist simultaneously in all of the above dimensions and realms of thought, whereas we can be in 'only one' space at a time. To them we might look like a giant water slide ride snaking line of motion, a projected film where each image remains on the screen and the images pile forward so that if you don't have 4D vision it just looks like a black wiggling blob. To them humans seem like 4D snake lines, with heads newborn babes at the front of the line and tales withered old dying men. Each time the human thinks that if he doesn't see any aliens when he's sliding down the water slide, when frankly, his attention is focused elsewhere, on the long tunnel tube in front of him, then they can't exist.

Meanwhile there they are--far off in old people lawn chairs, drinking wine coolers--watching us play in the water until they see a weak one who needs to 'come out' and rest for awhile (and maybe be diced up and sent back into the primordial soup).

We can get an impression of just how close these beings always are when we have deep out of body trance experiences. As someone who more or less stumbled on the ability and could do it at will, sometimes, for a few months here and there (in 1987, 1991 and 2006), I can share some of the feelings involved in moving outside one's body:

One notable thing is the awareness of one's presence inside one's body, suddenly not being fixed to one's actual body, more like a brain with a long trail of writing jelly fish nerve endings that fill up various end points of the body, like a hermit crab might lodge himself inside a shell. So for example with some concentration you can let go of your auric tendril's hold on your physical form and  'feel' like you are standing vertically while lying in bed, let's say, or floating in place while your body revolves below you, or above you, there's no difference... your gravity can shift so that you are rotating with the atmosphere -- say the moon's gravitational drag holds your astral body in place while your physical body slowly rotates away below you in a slow clockwise direction. Or you can feel the magnetic pull northward lifting you up, ass first, out of yourself and up along the ceiling towards the north, only to gradually rotate around back into your form, with the slow measured regularity of a swinging hypnotists' pendulum.

Another is the sensation of being around much larger beings that are just out of sight, 'behind' the bands of light that constitute our aura, huge astral forms that watch over us-and by extension human consciousness -- the way parents reading the Sunday newspaper might watch over their 2-3 year old infant playing below their feet.

This was a recurring and very pleasant sense of presence I encountered during many sessions of deep astral meditation. At one point I found the hand of this being on my shoulder as I sat in the lotus position, as if it was sitting behind me, and put its giant, electromagnetically vibrant hand on my shoulder--like a cleansing lightning. For awhile this giant teacher's message was I must go and spread the word of God, etc. etc., but there's so many people who think they're Jesus out there that the idea seemed too literal. So as an artist and writer, you calm down and remember that no one likes a sanctimonious windbag telling them what to do just because he had a little white light experience and now thinks he's the what's what.  So you humble up and try to incorporate these experiences into your work in such a way as to reach whomever they were meant to be communicated to. I'd say William Blake (below) is probably the finest example of this. Herman Melville's Moby Dick is another.

Another being from beyond I encountered a few years back: a giant revolving planet-sized Medusa headed tentacle-wreathed (instead of snake hair) behemoth approximately the size and shape of Pluto, I was floating in place outside the orbit of this giant tentacled planet head, but again above the sway of its gravity so that it revolved below me, and I knew that there was a giant red squid-beak mouth coming my way along the head, a flaming Molloch (METROPOLIS) door mouth that would inhale and scald, rend and devour my entire soul, mind, and body when it next revolved under me, so I became very devout and pleading and promised to spread the word of this giant space octopus head far and wide, like the Silver Surfer heralding Galactus. When I returned to my physical body I wrote a song 'Spare me, Space Octopus' but... it sucked. While wondering if this C- of an effort would be enough to spare me come 'da rapture,'  I found lots of weird coincidental things on the internet that would indicate I was not alone in having this bizarre encounter. All sorts of authors, musicians, and artists have made deals with the giant Medusa head: H.P. Lovecraft (Cthulu, Yog Soggoth, all his other elder gods); the Spaghetti Monster 'religion,' and Medusa herself in Greek myth, and even this cool T-Shirt, which I bought and now run in to the bewilderment of fellow joggers and parkgoers:

So that's just an example I guess... of disinformation in action.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TkID1I1EIM0

Sounds of Saturn and the "Missing Finger Man"

The Psychedelicest of all Argentine Graffitamination videos!

In case you haven't seen it yet, be prepared to have your neurons re-arranged. Can this even be possible? How many years did it take? Six million hits later, the mystery endures. It makes me proud to have married an Argentine, however briefly...

I, Daemonic

"Snakes in the grass, you and I." 

--Joni Mitchell ("Don Juan's Reckless Daughter")

Ever since seeing that Sumerian sculpture of the Annunaki, I've been remembering very bizarre experiences I've had over the years. Now a recent photo from David Eckhart (below left) hits me between the eyes so I must report in full my experiences, for posterity:

The fist occurred around 1982, when I was 15: Always kind of a weird, shy but creative kid, I was really into comic books, one of my favorites was Elfquest. Anyway, I had a very vivid dream set on Mars or similar red planet: a vast empty, lunar-style landscape with a dark red sky. The only feature on the landscape was a set of jungle gym-style monkey bars where I was hanging out with a bunch of Elfquest elves. I hated my school, had no friends, but these elves! I felt like I belonged with them, a really strong feeling of love and connection that struck me deeply; I'd never felt that kind of loyalty/love before.

Then, walking slowly towards us from across the vast plain was the silhouette of a single figure, which I knew was Death, or a demon, at any rate the 'end' of my new friends-- and I wanted to protect them, so I told them to stay by the bars, and I walked forward to meet this being as it approached us.

I was scared but had courage via my love for the elves. However, the closer I approached this figure, the more nervous static energy seemed to envelop me, like a wasp buzzing inside and outside my head. Finally, I was maybe five feet away from the being: he was wearing a sweartshit and sweatpants, with the hood up, and had on a cheap rubber Halloween skull mask, with red pin points of light in the center of the big black eye-holes.

Again, filled with new courage, I walked up and looked closely into the red of the being's eyes, knowing that if I could stare this being down, I'd save my friends. Again, I felt this extreme buzzing in my head, like radio static that was really an infinite number of mathematical equations and computations coming at me via telekinetic transference, kind of like a morse code or something... it was abstract but I understood it somehow and it was inflating me with strange, burning energy. I remember in the dream thinking, "I'm merging with all alien insectoid intelligence!" The energy in my head and body swelled and swelled the longer I looked into the being's red glowing eyes. The deeper I looked the more the message became pure empty mathematics.

It would have been just a dream, except the energy buzz was so strong it woke me from my bed, and not just like from a vivid dream or nightmare but like from something real! I literally jumped out of bed and bounced around the room like I had just gotten off an intense rollercoaster.  I was full of crazy electric energy and still anxious to protect the elves. Every nerve and hair on my body was full at attention. I could still feel the presence of this being slowly fading away, not just in my head but all around. I didn't, however, see any evidence of a being in the room or outside -- no ships or lights or anything -- that I recall.

For the next few months I was obsessed with getting back to that dream, the sense of love and connection I felt with the elves, etc., so I read through my Elfquests maniacally, every night, to try and get the dream back. I was possessed! I never really thought of the being, though, but he would return! Not the elves... although I found their human incarnation in 1987, in gorgeous Connecticut hippies who took me in as one of their own.

Flash forward to November 1992, and I was back from college and travels and travails and was living at home in my old bedroom. I was very sick--a huge terrible fever-- and woke up one early evening around 6 PM (it was dark already, being the winter) from around 23 solid hours of writhing in fever delirium, I was in the grips of sleep paralysis and finally jumped out of it, to see this huge demon looming over me in me room, I recognized it immediately as the same one from the elf dream so many years before, though the skull mask was off and it was laughing at me, like amused I was trying to struggle out of my sleep paralysis and escape.

I was freaked out and all my hairs stood on end again and with all my might I jumped  up and stood on the bed, so I could be taller than the being, and shouted at it to go away. I kept screaming: leave! go! Go AWAY! GO AWAY! It smiled wider--laughing at me (but not making a sound)--and gradually faded to moonlight reflections on my bookshelf. I remember being in total awe of how perfectly every detail of the being's face, fangs, eyes, scales, all fit perfectly into the reflections of light from the streetlight and moon out my window on my book spines.

I've seen demonic hallucinations here and there in between and after these two experiences, but never were they allowed to get "that far" before I'd pull away my attention. I instinctively realized the best way to deal with these beings is to ignore them when they're still at the "shadow" stage or to confront them, but to not stare and recoil in horror or fascination at the same time, because they feed on fear energy to manifest themselves into your consciousness. You see them, therefore they can define themselves as a corporeal body in 3D space time... the longer you stare, the more vividly they materialize.

It's mind-boggling to watch a demonic figure form itself from, say, the patterns of a fire in a fireplace on the side of leather couch, or a painting on a wall or what have you. Scientists dismiss this stuff because they have a name for it: "hallucinations." But if you follow real science to the end of the quantum physics rainbow, then you know: if you see it, it exists, because you're seeing it, and just seeing the thing gives it power to manifest. Maybe science is trying to protect us by saying "Look away!" or to belittle these visions as inconsequential remnants of an archaic cortex on fire with fever or drug withdrawal. When one thinks of the Catholic exorcist strategy of ignoring telekinetic displays from possessed patients or houses, of refusing to be shocked or scared or acknowledge anything's out of the ordinary, this is perhaps a clue of how science uses skepticism as a way of protecting us from being invaded. If we look at these things too long with too much fear, who knows how corporeal they may become?

Now this last dream/hallucination I had a few months ago, wherein I was walking home from some late dinner to a motor-court/motel in a parched, lonely, lunar-style desert and maybe 20 feet away from the walkway was that same demon figure standing perfectly still, framed against the expanse of desert mountains behind him in the distance, glowing in the lights over the motel walkway.

This time I was neither young, nor sick, so I was able to approach the being from a detached observer state. Again he had a unique mix of being perfectly still and totally in movement, not breathing exactly but seeming to feed off the energy drawn from my dream reality; like a waterfall, where all the water flows towards this points where it disappears over the falls-- the reptoid was like the falls and everything around me was the water on the high part of the river, about to fall....flowing towards him. He seemed to "not belong" in my dream, like something inserted from another dimension, a 5th dimensional giant tweezer end coming down on a 2-d glass slide.

Another analogy is the obelisk in the movie 2001. The presence of the reptoid standing still and grinning but not moving, reminded me a lot of the strange trans-dimensional presence of the black obelisk in that film.This time I wasn't afraid like I was when I had the fever. In a way, I knew I was safe since it had visited me over the years before, there was obviously some reason for these visits, and that's why I remember them so clearly as opposed to the rest of my dreams and visions, which fade away fast.

The uncanny similarity of these beings in my dreams to the reptilians in Sumerian sculpture and to Tibetan demons has fascinated me ever since, especially as I knew nothing of reptilian conspiracy theory or Tibetan or Sumerian legends until the third experience.

Around five years ago I had done a lecture on THE MAN WHO FELL TO EARTH at the Rubin Museum and so was on their mailing list. They sent me an invite to some opening for a Tibetan demon exhibition and It was like being mugged or attacked and then seeing your assailant years later on television and going "that's the guy!!"The nose is maybe more doglike, but the weird hypnotic eyes, the overall look of animal mirth, that's dead on, and the animal teeth... that's the demon!

I also used to suffer from sleep paralysis, and once around 1991, I was taking an afternoon nap and experienced the paralysis and felt myself lifted, ass-up onto the ceiling where I was rolled on out the window (my friend's apt in Manhattan) and up up up to the sky faster and faster, like my underwear had been hooked on an invisible fishing wire. I summoned all my psychic energy to escape, woke up and like before jumped out of bed with a fright, the hairs standing on end all over my arms and legs, and a feeling that "this was more than a dream." But there was no one to tell it to. These subjective experiences are hard to translate, and most people don't want to hear it.

I wonder on some level if sleep paralysis isn't a kind of litmus test wherein the weak ones who can't fight it are taken, or not taken, but that somehow sleep/dream unconscious energy opens or can occasionally open a powerful interdimensional gateway and perhaps sleep paralysis ties in somehow. 

Weird aspects of sleep paralysis include that I can be sleeping right next to someone when it strikes, but though I'm struggling and yelling to wake up, they don't even notice, even if they're awake. Could this be similar to the alien abduction strangeness, where people disappear through the ceiling or the wall with their spouse sleeping next to them, never noticing? When I went downstairs to see my mom after that aforementioned fever dream, she said she'd heard nothing at all from upstairs, though I had been screaming at the top of my lungs for her help for perhaps a whole 30 or 40 seconds, or so it felt - I had no dream-within-a-dream second wake up, I had run downstairs right after I woke up and the demon had so slowly and laughingly vanished! How clear it was and how perfectly it disappeared into the reflections of light on the spines of books on my shelf. I can still see it perfectly and feel those eyes peering into my soul, and the mocking laughter as I shouted it back into the shadows, completely amazed as the definitions of the thing fit like a perfect painting back into the bookshelf in the moonlight.

Anyway, so there it all is. i have no obsessive anxiety about being abducted--as in trauma of repressed memories--and don't think I really have been,  but I do feel I've been "visited" - though for now the reptoid / daemons seem content to watch, and occasionally hook me, lift me out of the water, and throw me back, so to speak, too small, under the galactic legal limit. And who's to say dreams aren't just as valid a reality as this one? It's totally possible to get to the third-eye open state where you see the exact same things with your eyes closed or open, for example. It happened to me once for about 6 minutes. Terrifyingly cool! Another story for another time!

PS - I mention these dreams not to claim I'm a special conduit or hybrid, but to share weird experiences.  While I agree that, yes, fevers lead to hallucinations, I also wonder if science isn't missing a fascinating opportunity to study the bedrock of reality and perception by delving more into the nature of hallucinations and visions rather than just dismissing them as "not real." In the paraphrased words of Aldous Huxley, if the doors of perception were truly and completely cleansed we'd see a lot of beings from a lot of higher dimensional beings interacting with us in ways so perfectly intertwined its beyond our 'conscious mind' comprehension. A tea kettle for example, might turn out to be somebody's space helmet. Your sudden need to move it off the stove coincides perfectly with his stepping out of the rocket onto the moon. If you keep lots of demon representations around you room--figurative statues, African tribal masks-- maybe you can make it so easy for them to appear that they can't, like you somehow, as they say, "blew up their spot."

After all, humans are very complicated machines and we existed long before western science. And, while I respect western science, I don't respect some of its more dogmatic adherents' closed-minded, know-it-all bullying. Since science only believes in things it can measure and experience directly, it shuts out 80% of "the real"... i.e. right brain associative non-linear Dionysian abstract thinking (daemonville) vs. left brain logocentric positivism and empirical deduction (grayville). Western science has convinced itself it has the whole picture, even as it admits it still knows so little, and regularly reverses its theorems and deductions, as with Pluto and the Brontosaurus. A scientist will admit that the human eye is very fallible and can see what it wants to see, and shuts out a lot of avail. information to suit itself, but then turns around and refuses to believe in anything it can't see. Very hypocritical!

 The contempt these scientists show for ancient astronaut theory, UFOlogy, witness testimony, crop circles, demonology, astrology, etc. as being beneath "serious academic consideration" is all fear-based: guilt by association with the "lunatic fringe" and the idea that no one wants to be the messenger of news so bad no one can handle hearing it. For if the government/scientific complex admits there's aliens, they also have to admit they're powerless against them, and that defeats the whole purpose of a government/scientific complex.

Actually, paranormal researchers have to be twice as careful as regular "experts" because the skeptics are very quick on the trigger. That is, until they're forced by consistent results, or one or two brave researchers (like Rick Strassman or Terence McKenna) to reconsider, as in the way acupuncture and eastern medicine has slowly and reluctantly been admitted into hospitals and insurance coverage. Western medicine is pissed off that they don't know how acupuncture works, but they can no longer deny that it does.



Scientists shouldn't be scared if people "want to believe" in something science wants, by inclination, to disprove. Rather, western science should take a hard look in the mirror at itself before it judges the rest of us as flakes and crackpots. At least we admit we don't know what's going on, and we stay open to new evidence and ideas. We respect science as all-important in our development -- but it's not the whole picture. Trying to actually launch our physical bodies into space seems way too literal compared to exploring "astral body travel" which may be how many of these beings operate. Scientists are still saying space travel between our galaxies is so unlikely thanks to the huge distances, but they don't even consider the whole idea of distance might itself be a hallucination. 

We ignore the unknowable at our peril: the Bud Hopkins or Whitley Streiber of today might be the Galileo or Copernicus of tomorrow.  Scientists need to ask themselves if they want to go down in history as pawns of a hostile power elite, firmly against any form of change, or as cutting edge researchers for whom any phenomenon is interesting, even science fiction or schizophrenic ranting! And what about paranoid-sounding but nonetheless uncanny frisson-inspiring bits of writing like this?

Hey man, we--right, left, up, down-- need each other. Without the speculations of the sci fi fringe, science would calcify and become as repressive and dogmatic as that haven of ritual child-torture, the Vatican. Without science to fight against and try to convince, the fringe would be forced to realize the catastrophic consequences of believing all of this stuff much too fast.  Maybe Bush was a shape-shifting reptoid, but that doesn't mean we could have stopped him even if the whole world had known!

It's like being a lion in a zoo. We may be tough, but the humans have tranq darts and bigger brains, and if they're nice enough to give us a big cage and decorate it to disguise the bars, we can at least think we're free and not get depressed, so why try to bite them? Why force them to reveal the iron bars that hold us, since we can never escape, except through complete transformation of our energies, wherein we become no longer human at all, but soul light energy, which they work so hard to keep us from attaining since once we get to that level, we're out of their hands? By cosmic law they can only puff their gills and wave their claws, ask their dogs to nip our heels, to keep us in line, and then if we still don't obey, forget about us? Once we get past them, they forget we were there and turn back to the rest of the herd. After all, one of two escapees is fine, that' part of the deal. They know they can make mind-opening drugs illegal but they can't stop us from taking them if we should find them... they just make it more difficult, so only the determined and deserved can cop a hit, Darwin-style. They let us tell the truth, so long as its cloaked in the natty garb of delusional ranting (like this post). Like Hamlet, we must act crazy if we want to tell the truth without being forcibly silenced or discredited.

Thus for the truth to be true by definition it must dribble from the mouths of babes, lest our fellow cattle be spooked into a stampede. If some of us want to quietly evolve off of the ranch on our own, the daemons wont use direct force to stop us - by order of cosmic law - only trickery.  All they ask if we do make it past them: don't spook the rest of the herd. They've invested heavily in breeding programs to yield a maximum head count. So don't worry about them - all now living will become enlightened (another cosmic message I received); just get your heart lighter than a feather before you get sucked into the scythe swipe thresher at the end of the net of time along with the rest of Noah's rejects! In the words of Sam Spade: See you at the inquest, maybe.

A bug-eyed look at UFO Disclosure

If you ever want to really understand why shadowy government agencies continue to hide the existence of alien life visiting earth, watch CLOSE ENCOUNTERS (1977) again, and really study the behavior of Roy (Richard Dreyfuss), the immature "everyman" who makes mountains out of his mashed potatoes and frightens his family half to death with his lunatic ravings about UFOs. He's the guy we're supposed to identify with, one of the "chosen" invited to the party. And yet he's unable to accept the "truth" of the aliens until he's right there seeing them and touching them, even then he's more a wide-eyed kid at Disneyland than an adult trying to grasp this vast importance of this cosmic event. By making himself a mere patron on a UFO ride, Roy once infantalizes himself as a glorified spectator, a fan.

By contrast, CLOSE ENCOUNTERS regularly switches to the "insiders" led by Claude Lacombe (Francois Truffaut). While Roy seeks answers from an authority figure, someone to tell him what he already knows to be true, Lacombe knows the truth and hides it from the Roys of the world, who "can't handle" it. In other words, Claude assumes the role of leader, parent, role model, Roy that of the child, citizen, follower. Roy demands the government explain and assure. The Lacombes of the world can only pretend to be hiding more than they know, as a favor to the panicked who can then presume the government really does know what's going on, and so all must be well. It's a classic distraction move, allaying all fear by switching the focus from "are they going to attack us" to "tell me what they are!"

There is a scene early in the film wherein a group of air traffic controllers are gathered around a radio listening to flying saucer reports from one of their planes. They ask him if he wants to report a UFO: "No. I wouldn't know what to report," the shaken but professional pilot answers.

By the terrified citizen standard, not reporting the incident that pilot is "hiding" from possible peer ridicule, but the reasons are actually more muddled: If this unseen pilot had chosen to make a report he may be ostracized, not for "believing" in aliens but for reporting the encounter, for clinging to the lie of "real" authority, expecting that someone higher up will have an explanation for him. In other words, these men in the military are forced to grasp the notion of the ungraspable real, the other, the "stain" in Lacanian terminology. By choosing to not allow the UFO into their consensual reality in this way, the pilot and those gathered maintain their positions within the symbolic order. They know there are UFOs, and they know there is no explanation for them; but they can "handle" the truth, and the way they handle it is by realizing and accepting that there is no possible rational explanation and not letting it get them too rattled. There's still a job to do. Roy can't go to work or function in society once the 'truth' overtakes him, that's why he's not ready for it.

This split between these "grown ups" and "adult children" is further borne out in a scene in CLOSE ENCOUNTERS where panicked citizens meet with government officials in a press conference. The government officials basically acknowledge that the citizens saw something that no one has an answer for. If the townsfolk were to really "hear" this news, they would just sit there, pale and shaken, but they clamor. These citizens cannot recognize that the symbolic authority of the adult government has been removed by the presence of this advanced alien intelligence. The explanation they are looking for does not exist; but this is simply not good enough for them, so they throw a mass temper tantrum, which is in itself a sign they are not ready for the truth.

Another popular consciousness movie touchstone might be examined here to see how a person can move from one level to the other. (Roy never does, even when going off into space he remains dependent, merely "joining the children.") That movie is David Lynch's BLUE VELVET (1986). In this movie, Kyle Mclachlan plays Jeffrey, a young would-be detective out to solve the mystery of a severed ear he finds in the nearby park from his childhood home. He winds up embroiled in a scandal that includes a crooked cop; yet Jeffrey is also dating the daughter (Laura Dern) of the local police chief. He's already presented the chief with evidence against the crooked cop so when Jeffrey walks into the chief's home after dinner to pick up Audrey for a date, and finds the crooked cop in the living room with the chief, he's fairly startled - is the Dern's dad crooked also?

 
This is a key moment in Jeffrey's evolution as a male, and this psychic growth is something that's present in all of Lynch's films: Jeffrey doesn't panic, but rather greets the crooked cop with a smile and a handshake, as if he knows nothing of the matter. The chief is impressed and later when Jeffrey denies he knows who the cop is to Laura Dern, the chief says, "Good boy, Jeffrey." -- an acknowledgment of Jeffrey's newfound complicity within the social order. Jeffrey proves he can keep a secret, in this case the most important secret of all being the complete lack of 'truth' or solidity at the center of the social order, and this is the secret all true adults must guard. The 'dumb' citizens seldom realize that they need their politicians to lie - need to not believe in their leaders, so as to always presume there's more, rather than less, going on 'upstairs.'

We have a similar thing going on today in the world as we approach 2012: global warming, water and oil shortages; inflation, over-population, whatever you want to obsess on. We know something's up, but at the same time as long as the president doesn't come on national TV and proclaim any of this as officially doomsday, evacuate in a calm, orderly manner, say goodbye to your ass, etc., we're going to be all right. This is the trap we find ourselves in as we enter the age of total digital reality.

The infantilization of the masses by the ruling elite--both in film and in real life-- is no joke, and anyone with any authority knows that a large part of their job is simply to "embody" the "one who knows." By acting contemptuous and dismissive towards the citizenry's concerns at the aforementioned press conference scene in CLOSE ENCOUNTERS, the government agents allow the citizenry to continue to live in the illusion that somewhere along the chain of command there is someone who has the situation well in hand. 

Now to bring this to our own current situation, which is the slow--presumably permitted--leak in information about the existence of aliens that's coming through on the internet, which manages to disperse information so rapidly that the shadowy government insiders would be hard pressed to stop it even if they wanted to, but one gets the impression they don't want it to. Rather, they want to continue to release the information with just enough disinformation to let them keep control. As long as there's debate about whether it's factual, we won't panic. People have an option not to believe if it scares them.

Again we turn to cinema for our example-- the censorship codes enforced by Joseph Breen from 1934 through to the early 1960s. The idea in these films wasn't that no one was allowed to have sex, but that there were simultaneously two different interpretations available: one that was "above board" and nonsexual (for the church matrons and children) and one sexual.... the did they or didn't they have sex during the 3 1/2 second dissolve from Rick and Ilsa kissing, to the watch tower at the Casablanca airport, for example as discussed by Richard Maltby and Slavoj Zizek:

To put it in the Lacanian terms: during the infamous 3 1/2 second, Ilsa and Rick did not do it for the big Other, the order of public appearance, but they did do it for our dirty fantasmatic imagination - this is the structure of inherent transgression at its purest, i.e. Hollywood needs BOTH levels in order to function.

As Zizek points out, this two-sided reading is not only present but essential for control to exist. By a similar token, it is safe for us to believe in aliens because the government does deny their existence. Once the president comes out and tells the actual truth, civilization as we know it will instantaneously collapse, the way the Soviet Union instantaneously collapsed - when all the people decide, en masse, to abandon an ideology, this change is inevitable. Thus any social order must involve a sort of mass hypnotism to function. The truth is, even the movie itself doesn't know what happened in that 3 1/2 seconds, but in implying something went on, it creates room for pleasure to emerge, the pleasure of feeling protected from the truth.

The lesson to glean from all this is that we all need to learn to be adults, to fix ourselves first, so we can be ready for the changes that are coming. The question is, are you free? And if you are free, why are you waiting for some "authority figure" to tell you what you already know? You know if aliens are real or not, and if you don't there's no one who can tell you but yourself. There is so much information being released now, so many sworn testimonies from NASA and military officials that by any standard you could name, the alien question is on the table. Do you still need some sort of "official" statement? Or have you let the truth in -- to the point where you are in despair at the fact that evil runs our country, that we're soul food for the reptoids? That only love and an expanded soul can free you from the bondage of self?

To really begin to believe in the alien conspiracy is to invite a complete collapse of values into your psyche; there are myriad "truths" to believe in, but one of the more obvious ones is that most humans are alien-ape hybrids. One of the most depressing is that we are a "soul farm" and gray-reptoid aliens eat our pain and suffering as snacks before they devour our souls. (which explains the fearsome appearance of Tibetan Demonology), and this is the reason why overpopulation runs amok, and that governments doesn't want us experimenting with drugs that will show the man behind the curtain, why they want to burn and destroy anyone who shows the way clear of bondage. It may be depressing, may not even be true, but it's one of the more acceptable all-encompassing answers to life's mysteries (the alien gene splice is, then, Darwin's missing link). No wonder we'd prefer to think what the TV tells us as we chew our morning cud.... "All is well... all is well..all is a disaster so keep watching, but it's nothing we can't fix, eventually." And that if we're worried about global warming, we can avert the crisis by buying seventh generation paper towels on our next half-hour SUV-drive to Wal-Mart.

The challenge is not to wonder what in that preceding morass of horrible truth and CIA disinformation is real or not, but to realize that if even one shred of it is true, just how vast and incredible its implications are. If you're not completely freaked out by the idea of alien life on this planet then you're not thinking about it clearly. You're thinking about it in the same abstract way you might think about death if you're not enlightened. You're still on the fence, wondering if its all true, still denying your own death, your own mortality, still clinging to possessions and temporal space like a kid grabbing his mom's ankles to prevent his having to go to school. You may believe in Jesus, but aren't sure if he rose from the dead, maybe believe in Santa Clause but not the Easter Bunny, and maybe you don't really believe in anything 100% and that's probably the smartest tactic, but it leaves you awfully numb.

In Sogyal Rinpoche's THE TIBETAN BOOK OF LIVING AND DYING he tells of giving a lecture about impermanence and afterwards having a jaded, seen-it-all new student proclaim: "All this seems obvious, tell me something new."

To which Rinpoche replies:

"Have you actually realized the truth of impermanence? Have you so integrated it with your every thought, breath and movement that your life has been transformed? Ask yourself these two questions: Do I remember at every moment I am dying and that everyone and everything else is, and so treat all beings at all times with compassion? Has my understanding of death and impermanence becomes so keen and so urgent that I am devoting every second to the purpose of enlightenment? If you can answer yes to both of these then you have really understood impermanence." (p. 27)

to the concept of alien life on this planet. Have you truly grasped the implications of "the truth" of alien existence? Have you overcome the egoic blinders that make you run to snap judgments and ridicule, the same defense mechanisms so overworked to keep you from thinking about death? If so, wouldn't you be spending, as Rinpoche describes "every second to the purpose of enlightenment?"

The mechanisms that keep you from thinking about death all the time are important for your functionality and sanity, but when you listen to them exclusively, life loses its scent of danger and excitement, and the dour wardens of your inner asylum start slowly taking away privileges. They only let go of your throat when they hit the wall of cancer or a gun in the face or death row... or psychedelics or meditation or exhaustion obliterates them temporarily. Is it any wonder that mind-expanding drugs are illegal and meditation such a hard habit to integrate into your life?

Or even more understandable--and chilling-- is it any wonder that even those convinced of the alien presence prefer to focus on issues of disclosure and evidence gathering, rather than actually altering their world view to the point of nervous breakdown? For once you "let it in," the truth about aliens cements so many missing connections, answers so many questions, that you find yourself on a whole other level of consciousness. Now that you believe in greys, anti-gravity propulsion, inter-dimensional doorways and reptoids, you can begin to deal with issues like the Pleiadians, angels, God, reincarnation, and the  light to dark ratio of your own immortal soul. "Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain," the man behind the curtain shouts. But he's doing you a favor; the man behind the curtain is you.

Mirror my Puzzle to Thee

 

Here's a sprawling analogy so bear with me: Imagine if you were going to take a trip to France but when you got there you would have total amnesia. Would you even remember your native language, you ask? NO! You will have forgotten everything - a total reset button. You would be reincarnated, in fact. You're dying here and being reborn over there, saving plane fare and meal costs. But what's rare is that you know this all in advance, so before going on your journey you think of sending some letters and messages on ahead to yourself.

But then you remember you won't be able to read them. You will have to send something else.

What about a bunch of pictographs? What if you didn't even know when you'd get to Europe, could be a month could be 10,000 years... You'd never even know where to send the documents or how to keep them preserved all that time. You'd maybe want to engrave them in stone monuments or tablets built to last millennia. But maybe by the time you got around to reading them all those centuries later, their whole meaning would be lost, it would just seem like a lot of mystic mumbo jumbo. Hieroglyphs... am I right?

.. ..So before you leave, you will need a plan by which you can manipulate and influence your future self, so he or she will be ready to understand who you really are. So you make special arrangements for events to happen to your future incarnation: at age 13 the new you will get hit on the head with a hammer and put in a visionary coma; at 24 you will fall in love but the person rejects you; the stinging humiliation leads you to take too much acid; the trauma from that leads you to past life regression therapy and when you emerge, viola!

All this pain and suffering you've arranged, then, is not because you're a masochist. It's all meant to trigger an awakening so you can remember where you're from and read the tablets and monuments. You carve out a space of time in your future life where you will have no friends and no food, all just to be able to get you to study them long enough to decode your meaning.

Maybe after all that, it still wont work. Your future self might not want to believe you existed all these realms ago. And so you have to communicate with this stubborn future self via obscure signs, so it takes the future you a couple decades to figure out what you meant, because you know you will still like to solve stuff. This is why you're making this long strange trip in the first place, to occupy yourself. Like a jigsaw puzzle, once it's put together it's done. So what do you do now? You shake it up and start again-- ain't no other puzzles but this, and if you could you would erase the memory of having done it the first time, since it's never as fun the second time, you would. In fact you decided to already, and forgot that too. 

Once you grasp these concepts, you will begin to see eternity in everything -you will see cave drawings from the paleolithic age and think, "What was I trying to tell my later self when I drew that?"

Why? Because to truly understand it is to forget it - unless, that is, you are finally through the golden gate and this time make the choice not to turn around and help the rest of us poor suckers along the way, like ole Buddha.

In meditation sometimes you realize you aren't on a path so much as cleaning a very dirty window, painted over with layers of paint, caked with soot, hardened lava, vines, and cobwebs... through which the sun is trying to shine at you. As you scrape through the layers of paint you come across old Grateful Dead bumper stickers depicting skeletons, which remind you of the time your little brother got you grounded, for example. You see how this betrayal emerged as a negation of any love you might feel for people in your life who resembled or talked like your brother. Boom, you peel off the sticker and your life gets suddenly richer, sun shines through brighter. You see the thousand withered stalks and tendrils of possibility that never manifested because they resembled things you painted over on this window, so they reminded you too much of your put-off chore - you "don't do windows" - so even walking past one begins to create anxiety; so much happiness you threw away because you couldn't say you were sorry.

So you say you're sorry to him, and your brother looks at you funny. But whatever, you have a window to clean, and no shortage of dirt in sight.

Look the world in the eye and admit defeat. Throw down your tendril-shearing sword of censorship and instead pick up the rosined bow of music and its endless variations. Scrape madly, passionately, but with love, and you will find you're also scraping off the crust that doth blacken up this strange and ancient window.

When the window is finally clear, what then? There are some practitioners who soon grow reddened and burnt from being so unused to the glare of the sun shining through the clean glass, and so they find a nice thin UV-protecting varnish to spread over the pane. Just enough, you understand, to keep out the gamma rays.

But what you didn't know was the gamma rays had the vitamin of remembering and soon you've forgotten that that thin UV-protecting gloss layer is even there. You think that the window is totally clean and clear, and when the cleaning lady comes by to try and point out it's not clean at all, you get so mad you burn her; you burn her eyes out, just to prove that she can't see there is no layer but this

And so it begins anew. "all the way to infinity." (12/07) You can study the puzzles they scrawl on our lawns, but you will never know the truth, until it's your turn to step up and forget all about it. What were you trying to tell yourself? Absolutely goddamned right.